Insecurities

Current listening:  “Never Enough”  Loren Allred

So today,  on H&L Writes, a challenge was given. I am not 100% comfortable with the topic but I am going to bite the bullet and give it a go.  Here’s the challenge:

WEEKLY WRITING CHALLENGE!
Describe your greatest insecurity and why you struggle with it.

I had to think about this and decide how deep I wanted to go.  Let’s be honest. We all have insecurities. We all have things that we’re uncomfortable sharing; uncomfortable being vulnerable. That’s human nature.  That’s normal.  Anyone brave enough to broadcast that insecurity deserves a gold star and all the cookies.

Let’s go for that today, shall we?  Challenge accepted.

I fight with being enough for people.  I fight with being satisfied with relationships, friendships,  and feeling like I’ve done enough to maintain that relationship.  The people closest to me get that and don’t hesitate when I get into that headspace to let me know “okay, we’re good.”  At times the insecurity terrifies me into hiding things.  Things like “they will love me less if they see all this…chaos.”  At times, it causes me to just shut down because I get into my head that people don’t need to see me or that they won’t love the mess.

And, it’s true, some people don’t or can’t stand that messiness, that gritty reality that is life.  It took me a good portion of my life to understand that those people were not worth the time or the effort I put into it.  The people that love me—the real me,  the vulnerable, the chaotic, the emotional me—are worth that effort. But, for the longest time, I thought those people bailing on me were my fault, my doing because I just did not do enough to keep them in my life.

My husband helped me realize that thought process was utter bullshit. I still fight with it from time to time when someone new comes into my life.  I attach to people far easier than I let others believe.  In the process of that attachment, I get blind spots and do not always see the red flags.   This has gotten me hurt and heartbroken more times than I can count.  I am better about that now than I used to be.  That same insecurity caused me to push people away because I was scared.  A couple of folks broke me of that habit.   They held on when I was at my worst. They know who they are and I love them for it. They taught me, in their way, to be more secure and willing to meet people where they are rather than fussing about my role in their lives; how to just let things be what they are rather than what I think they should be.

I have always warred with the idea of being pretty enough, smart enough,  loving enough…just enough. I know this stems from a lifetime of never being good enough.  I know this stems from being told I was, at best, average, and that just wasn’t good enough. I used to think that no one would read or enjoy anything I wrote so I quit for a long time.  Those are the image issues.   I spent my life overcompensating for that imagined shortcoming.  It is liberating as hell to move beyond that.

I’ve learned not to discount my own intelligence, my perceptiveness,  my strength of will when it comes to things that -have- to be done.  I have learned that I have a very loving heart and, in the right hands, that is a very beautiful thing.  I have learned that I can be brave.  I can be funny.  I can fight like the devil if I need to.  I am still learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  I am still learning what it means to be confident in my own abilities.  It is a type of insecurity that I am fighting like hell to prevent in my own daughter.  So far, so good, I think.

A quote comes to mind:

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

― Maya Angelou

And, the truth is, I do. I do better. I am working on viewing myself in a kinder light.  I am working up the confidence to step out rather than in.  Some days I do really well. Others I just royally suck.  But, like all things, this is a journey and all we can do is learn as we go.   What’s your journey like?  what does your struggle look like? Feel free to comment or share below.